If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
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HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
guilty
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
If I ignore life will it go away?
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen