99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
You Might Also Like
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
That’s incredible! 👌
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”