I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
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Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs