Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
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People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.