I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
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What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.