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> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
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Made something I’m not proud of
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.