Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
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“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun