Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
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Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
I hate my earbuds.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Who’s your best friend?
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK