I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
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I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.