*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
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No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
I put the hot in psychotic.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
My favorite farside!!
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?