Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
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Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider