Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
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since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.