My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
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5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right