Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
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why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Something Saturday.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.