The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
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I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.