There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
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Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Its true…
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank