He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
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My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Aaaa…CHOO!
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
how to market bottled water to dads
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.