Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
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Ha.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
guys i’ve cracked the code
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide