whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
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Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
OH. COME. ON.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.