You Might Also Like
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.