One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
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Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Going into Monday like