[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
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My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Aw man, but that’s the best part
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.