Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
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“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.