Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
You Might Also Like
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Am getting real tired of your crap…
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.