[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
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I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?