Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
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Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
All is fair in drunk and war.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face