if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
You Might Also Like
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Jupiter
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize