My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
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Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
When can I start eating bats again.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Look at this
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering