Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
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Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.