Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
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Thursday
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
#dalle2
I…do not understand how electricity works.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it