My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
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Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices