I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
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I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Pass gas, not judgment.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.