Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
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Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
that lip filler tho
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet