My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
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If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..