I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
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Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
The smoothest fall of all time
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long