Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
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I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go