me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
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If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales