I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
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I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Safety first
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
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Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what