[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
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I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
*pokes sex life with a stick
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Accurate
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Very good! 👍😂
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?