Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
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Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
#Caturday
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok