me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
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My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
I gave up going to work for lent.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT