Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
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I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
I’m calling the cops.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.