At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
You Might Also Like
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*