[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
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i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Cardio Made Easy
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY