ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
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manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
How to draw a duck
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.