ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
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H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Me sliding into hell like
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking