Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
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Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
I think my mom just blocked me
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Wake me when AI does housework
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.