Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
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Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.