I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
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My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name