My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
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They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
found my next D&D character name
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
I am a gravy boat captain
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
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